"I'm gona kill ya, and make it look like an accident."

Not the most proper response coming from a college professor. Especially not from one teaching the art of nursing care (can you imagine a nurse saying that to one of their patients? Lawsuuuit!) We were all convinced we deserved it after our entire class failed an exam. Our professor explained afterwards that she liked to use this phrase with us during our senior year, because our graduating class was "all freaking out about nothing!" Well, when a 79.9% was a failing grade, what else were we to do but freak out?

Looking back on nursing school, I remember wishing someone had written a guide to surviving. Surviving our classes, clinicals, careplans, and most importantly, the ever-looming day that we would take the nursing board exam - the NCLEX. I used the word "surviving," because in my mind, who breezed through nursing school? Maybe there were some. Some who were 4.0 GPA, Magna Cum Laude, graduate-with-honors-type-of-nursing-students. Not me. And not my closest friends.

Despite often academic freak-out moments, I do not regret the nights I stayed up late, not studying, but spending time with friends, meeting new people, and enjoying life experiences that I knew I would never have the opportunity to experience again. I will never regret the extra loan money used for studying abroad in Europe, for traveling places on our school breaks with close friends, or the trips into the city to try new and exciting food, to rockclimb, shop, attend sporting events, and all of the other things we did in our leisure time. I will never regret not having a 4.0 in college. Afterall, if I had not chosen to experience life, how would I be able to relate to people I meet later in life? How would I be able to relate to my patients, or have anything at all to share with them? I cannot share good grades, I cannot share honors, I cannot even share my piece of paper with the title, "Bachelors of Science in Nursing." I can only share my experiences, good and bad. What I've learned, and what I hope to learn.

Maybe this is all just a rationalization of laziness on my part. Maybe I could have worked harder and gotten perfect grades and honors, while still experiencing life. Or maybe I'm not smart enough to do both. Maybe this blog is boring, and no one will want to read it. Our lives are full of maybe's. But what I do know, is that regardless of these maybe's, I have learned to be a better nurse and a better person through my experience. Through the chaos, and insanity of working in hospitals. Through meeting some amazing people, with great minds, and loving hearts. Through meeting patients that have touched my life, and given me reason to continue getting out of bed at 5 o'clock in the evening, and working through yet another sleepless night, when I often daydream about being back in bed, because what normal person works nightshift? (I can tell you from experience, 8 hours of sleep during the day is not the equivalent of 8 hours during the night!)

So, when I say I wish someone had written a guide to surviving nursing school, what I am really saying is that I wish I could tell my 19-year-old-self to stop freaking out. Life is not about freaking out, life does not consist of our anxieties, and worries, and maybe's. Life is about our experiences, the people we meet, and the people we love, and the people we can't stand to be around for more than 5 seconds. Life is about choosing to continue the path we have set out on, to find purpose in our work, to find a reason to get out of bed.